I'm finding it more and more difficult to actually tolerate being in the house all the time. I can't wait to have money again. Sadly, all the things I want to do cost. I wish I could be free from it, I wish I could be happy sitting in a park all day instead of going to see a movie, I wish I could be the kind of person who needs only the world to be entertained. I guess in a way I am. I can sit outside a store and watch people walk by on the sidewalk for hours if my ipod is happy with me and will function that day.
I like to go to movies alone. And then I like when the theatre gets too packed and someone has to sit by me, the freaky girl who came to the movies alone. I smile in the dark.
I like to make up stories about people I've never met before.
I like to go swimming and astonish people with my paleness.
I like water.
I like rain.
I like sad songs about love.
I like stories that don't end perfectly.

I've been doing a lot of things by myself lately. I kind of like it.
Prudence gave me this motorcycle jacket because I'm getting a motorcycle. Then she took it back because she liked it so much. I think that's very funny.
A good friend of mine, I will call him Henry, has not spoken to me in some time. I left him in California and I think I should have brought him with me. I feel so bad for leaving people there. Like they're all suffering and I'm not.
Henry is another one of my unsolved puzzles. I think he's very confused. The last time I saw him he held my hand and kissed it and said he'd miss me. I felt his forehead, he didn't seem feverish. Henry is the sort of person who does not know what he wants, and I think that is very dangerous.
I am going in for an interview on Wednesday for a job I think I will find most delightful. I don't want to talk too much about it because I believe you can jinx things like that. I'll update again when I feel more confident about it.
I can't wait to have all the things I want. And I'm kind of curious about why people assume they need to 'be with someone'. I've never been happy 'with someone', and I'd rather have everything I want in a person than settle for only this or that and then resent myself or him for the lacking later on down the road. It just doesn't seem fair. In fact it seems quite selfish, to settle just so you don't have to be alone. And yet I know more and more people who have done that. It's just very strange.

Song of the day: Gravity of Love - Enigma
But if youre in the eye of storm
Just think of the lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love.

I have been having a pretty serious case of the lowdown moody blues. The jobhunt is not going well at all, nobody wants me. :( Which is so very sad for them and for me. It's sad all over. So I am taking today off of doing anything job related because I need to regroup. I've been catching up on flists and doing some writing and cleaning my room and getting some new music, and I've been thinking about this bike I saw when I was out with Prudence the other day and I've decided I want one.



And this is going to be my hair soon. Just nevermind Mary Louise Parker's big weird face.



Tonight George and I and some friends are going to go see Moon. Because I want to see the new HP but not until next week. I am a geek. ...that rhymed!

Song of the day: Rearviewmirror - Pearl Jam
I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all Im far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

I want to start my own business. I want men and women to pay me to be their girlfriend. Sex is optional. I am very good at pretending to love.
That's all for now. Being unemployed is wearing me down.

I went in to give blood today. I couldn't because I'm anemic. It's a new development. I dislike being deficient.
I made them keep testing me. Prick a finger, test, eat some crackers, prick, test, drink some vitamin water, prick, test... I ran out of fingers. :(
I don't like not being able to do something because my body is stupid.

Song of the day: Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones
Gimme, gimme shelter
Or Im gonna fade away

I went sailing! :)
I have no photographic evidence. :(
But it was fun. All around Lake Washington, with beer and snacks and getting to fix the jib and the genny and the whoozits and almost falling off the dock and off the boat and off the dock again and trailing my leg in the water and being the only one brave enough to lay down on the edge of the boat on the side that was taking on water we were leaning over so far.
So much fun.

Today I played with pup in the new puppy pool. He is a silly pup.
I miss my friends.
I have been in Washington for 1 month.
While I was sailing I would picture Morgue sitting on the edge of the boat with me. He would have loved being there. I imagined telling him jokes while the wind whipped my crazy curly hair all over the place, and I imagined his big grin and that he would twirl a curl around his finger or kiss the top of my silly little head.

Song of the day: Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me

I made this face while trying to take the picture-taker away. It's funny. A second after the flash went off I was like oh crap.

Also: daisies.
I've been working on my new room. It's small and cozy and has a single dresser now. Which is better than no dresser.
Morgue is in New York. That puts him 3 hours ahead of me. He is Morgue from the future. I wonder if it's hot there.

I'm going on a small adventure today. To Denny Way, to the bartending school there. I put makeup on. I feel a little ostentatious.
I would like to paint my bedroom walls. I'm thinking like a posh combination of some really deep fuschia and cream. I wish I could get rid of that awful popcorn ceiling.
There are about 5 Bruce Campbell movies on On Demand right now and I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm in love.


Song of the day: What Ever Happened - The Strokes
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...

Transformers 2 and Repo! The Genetic Rock Opera.
Warning: I don't know if there will be spoilers, but let's just pretend there are.

( Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen )

( Repo! The Genetic Rock Opera )

I'm still unemployed. And the more days gone by the more I miss Clyde. Out of all the boys in my life, he's the one I could have been with forever, and he's the one I wish I could forget.
I miss his stupid laugh.
I miss watching the U.S. Representatives show and making up soap opera tales about all the speakers.
I miss his voice. And how sarcastic he was.
And I kind of can't help but wish I'd done better, or not done whatever I did, so at least he wouldn't hate me.

Life goes on though. And I do wake up to a pretty neat pup every day.

Song of the day: Hey Jude - The Beatles
And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Ever since I was a little kid, as far back as I can remember, I've always had this habit of making sure people are still breathing when they're asleep. I think it must have something to do with how accustomed I am to death.
Having aged quite a bit since then, I still will check on boyfriends when we've slept over, on my pets. If my cat is asleep and she's breathing too shallowly I will poke her until she wakes up. Just so I can breathe a sigh of relief for no, she did not spontaneously expire.
I had this one boyfriend. I'll call him Clyde. I would boop his nose in the middle of the night and he would wake up and ask what was wrong with me. Lovingly, of course. But I never had an answer.

I kind of miss Clyde.

Song of the day: The Rising - Bruce Springsteen (The Boss)
Theres spirits above and behind me
Faces gone black, eyes burnin bright

The exterminator is here again. The company keeps sending different men out to kill the rats. I'm starting to feel like I need more stability in my relationship with them.
Do I feed them when they're here? Do I make them lemonade? What's the proper etiquette? I suppose there is none. They're killing rats.
I saw the man putting peanut butter in the traps. Jiffy doesn't mention that in their advertising campaign.

I'm growing my hair out. I think Morgue would like that.

Song of the day: Enough For Now - The Fray
The daughter's father watches, quietly we assume
He's not longer with us but he left this dusty room
In your name and it’s an honor, it’s a shame but it’s your honor
Take it on your shoulder til you can find another

That's enough for now, he should've never left you broken
He should've held you, things your father never could do
That's enough for now, he would've never left you broken
He would've held you, things your father never told you

I have really bad teeth. It's bad genetics and neglect from childhood. I feel a lot like Edward Scissorhands. It's a huge barrier between me and people.
But that's okay. All you need is love.

1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8

ghost gone grey she walks
holes'n snaggles in 'er ol' grey shawl
hollow men gone run scared

Song of the Day: Songbird - Eva Cassidy
To you, I would give the world
To you, I'd never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right

Let's put a smile on that face...

rise up from that rain-soaked earth
see
grey sky washed white melancholy
sample 1, sorrow
nothin happens here

I'm going out today. I feel a bit like a pet that knows it's going for a walk. My tail she wags.
Health fair? My god. But Prudence asks and I go.
Then later, movie screening. Some festival apparently. 15 minute shorts? At least it won't go on forever.

Movies I want to see this month:
( Pontypool )

( The Girlfriend Experience )

( Herb and Dorothy )

( Surveillance )

( Dead Snow )

Transformers 2. Which doesn't get a description because I firmly believe everyone knows what the premise is. review here.

I'm going to read On the Road again I think. It has a home-like feeling about reading it.

Song of the day: Book of Love - Peter Gabriel
The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

I paint my thoughts in twos and threes in beige and cream
in beige and cream
Lone tree little sister dreams
Out there in the big world
Smudged black water come home

I really can't wait to start taking pictures. Sometimes on days like this I don't wanna do anything else but sit outside and take little pieces of the world and talk to Morgue.

Prudence and I sit together and talk sometimes. It's nice. I always have gotten along better with people older than me.
I only watch The Dark Knight for the Joker. I kind of want a Joker movie, but Heath is dead. That's very sad.
I can't wait to get a job. I miss having that schedule in my day, reason to get up kind of feeling. Besides, I want to meet people here. I feel really right in this place and I want to make a life that involves doing something other than watching bad movies on tv.

I need goals.
- become employed.
- enroll in a class of some sort.
- get a haircut.
- shop for winter clothes because brr.
- running.
- going into the city.
- business classes.
- bartending school.

Song of the day: Black Dresses - The Builders and the Butchers
and she doesn't mourn for a man's come and gone
she's worn the color of black all along
she was born with a stone where there shoulda been a heart

It's a beautiful day here in Seattle. It's been pretty grey. They told me it rains all the time here. I disagree.

Song of the day: Littlest Bird - The Be Good Tanyas.
Well I feel like an old hobo, I'm sad lonesome and blue
I was fair as the summer day now the summer days are through
You pass through places and places pass through you
But you carry 'em with you on the souls of your travellin' shoes

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
Wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And i'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

times are sweeter since
away from oppressive heat
my armpits thank me

I miss my friends. I'm terribly homesick.
You know how people sometimes say they miss being a kid? Like things were easier then, or there was less to do. No bills, no work, only playing all day every day until the sun started to go down and your mom started calling you in. You didn't worry about much back then.
My favorite memories from when I was little involve really good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and popsicles outside the pool. Sitting on our towels and playing with our little plastic toys and squirting each other and running from bees.

Dramatis personae:
Me or I: 24-year-old. Girl. Completely lost.
Morgue: My ghost.
Prudence: A very kind soul.
George: Someone in much need of a change in perspective.
Clyde: An old boyfriend. Meant the world to me.
Henry: A dangerous person.

This journal will be a catalog of the absurd things I go through in life. I am not at all grounded. Bear with me.

Refer back for ongoing updates of the cast and characters of my life.